The Road to Bremen
by Nanenna
Summary: A group of animals are headed to Bremen, the expected hijinks ensue.


The map crackled as Baron unfolded it, his joints creaking as he struggled to spread it out. Once the living doll managed to get the map laid out he walked around the edge with a gloved hand at his furry chin. "Ah," he exclaimed as he pointed to a spot with his cane, "there it is."

The round white cat with a single brown splotch on his ear and small brown cat whose muzzle had faded to gray sitting curled up next to the map simply blinked at it. "Okay, and what good does the paper do us?" the brown cat asked.

"You see, Miss Haru," Baron replied, "this map tells us exactly where Bremen is."

"But that doesn't do us any good if we don't know where we are," Muta replied grumpily.

"Toto," Baron called, addressing the magpie sitting in the branches above the group's head, "come help us, you know where we are."

"I haven't the foggiest," Toto replied without bothering to move from his spot.

"What do you mean? You always know where we are!"

"I have a general idea, I know we're somewhere in Germany at least."

Baron rested his forehead in his hand in pure frustration as Muta tittered behind his paw. "Wait," Baron cried as he looked back up at Toto, "you can carry me above the trees and we can spot any landmarks that way. Just let me fold this map into something more manageable..."

"I'm not carrying you while you're holding that unwieldy thing," Toto said with an eye roll as he fluttered to the ground. "You'll have no grip and fall."

"I trust you," Baron replied as he continued trying to fold the map into something smaller while still showing Bremen.

"Why are we going to Bremen anyway?" Muta asked grumpily as the pair continued to argue over the map's usefulness.

"Because when I was a kitten some musicians passed by my home and told everyone they were going to Bremen to retire, apparently it's the place to retire to. It's supposed to be just down the road, I don't see the need to bother with a map."

"Baron's just a show off," Muta grumbled. "Toto is too, though he's not so bad as Baron."

"Oh, and I thought you and Toto didn't get along," Haru said with a sly grin.

"We get along just fine, even if he is a bird brain."

"I heard that!" Toto called. "And for the last time, Baron, if you can't hold it in one hand I'm not letting you fly with that map."

"Fine, we'll just leave it behind then!" With that Baron dropped the map on the ground and climbed onto Toto's back, the pair then took off and were quickly out of sight above the trees' branches.

"I know what they're going to see up there," Haru said with a sigh. "Down the road a ways they'll see a town, and when we arrive there the locals will tell us it's Bremen."

"Yeah, but sometimes you just gotta let Baron do things the hard way. Besides, it'll give them a chance to flirt without us having to watch."

"They are rather adorable together," Haru conceded. The two cats lapsed into silence as they waited for the couple to return to Earth.

"I have a strict two cat limit," Toto's voice was heard saying before the pair came into sight.

"I'm sure Miss Haru isn't very heavy, it won't take much more effort to carry her as well."

"Muta's effort enough! He may look like a marshmallow, but I assure he is not light as one."

"I heard that!" Muta called as the pair fluttered to the ground before them.

"At least we know you're not deaf," Toto replied.

"What did you see?" Haru asked Baron before the argument could get worse.

"A town just up the road," Baron said while pointing. "It looks to be about two days travel away, but we would be able to reach it fairly easily if Toto would just fly us all there."

Haru side eyes Muta, but decided against saying anything. "Well thank you for the help, I'll just be on my way then."

"Oh no, I insist we accompany you to Bremen."

"You do?"

"We are?"

"We were also headed in that direction, it only makes sense to stay in a group."

"And there's only so far I can carry pudding brains here in a single day," Toto added as he hid a smirk behind a wing.

"Better a pudding brain than a bird brain!"

"At least the trip will be far more interesting with those two along," Haru said as she and Baron walked away from the bickering duo.

* * *

The sun was dipping below the horizon when the group decided to stop for the evening. Muta and Haru were loafed up next to each other, nestled in a large tree's roots while Baron had climbed onto Toto's back so they could rest in the branches of said tree. Toto had flown right up to the top of the tree when he spotted something in the distance.

"Baron, do you see that light over there?" He pointed with a wing as he talked over his shoulder.

"Yes, I see it, it looks to be nearby. Do you suppose it's a fire or perhaps a house?"

"Most likely, let's go tell the others."

"What do I care about some human hanging out nearby?" Muta grumbled once Toto and Baron woke him.

"They might have some dinner," Haru said right before giving a great yawn.

"A light usually does mean dinner of some sort," Baron agreed.

"Oh fine, let's go find this light of yours."

"Of course the mention of dinner is what motivates him," Toto cackled from behind a wing.

"Just 'cause you don't need to eat like a normal person, you big chicken!"

"So which way is this mysterious light?" Haru asked rather loudly.

"That way," Baron replied while pointing further into the woods.

"Thank you," Haru said before heading in that direction. The others quickly followed after her.

"You're learning quite fast," Baron murmured as they walked between the trees.

"With those two it's not hard. Oh, is that a path?" Sure enough, the group had stumbled upon a small path that lead right up to the gate of a small cottage with warm, buttery light shining from its windows. The gate was ajar and the garden between the gate and front door looked to be trampled. The front door itself was ajar, a sliver of light shining through.

"This looks like trouble," Baron said as they slowly approached the door.

"With us it's always trouble," Muta grumbled quietly. All the same, the fat cat wedged himself into the crack and gently pushed the door open far enough to peek inside along with Haru, Baron, and Toto perched on top.

Inside were two elderly women with snow white hair and snow white lace shawls draped over their shoulders, the one in a lavender was huddled behind the one in red, who was holding an umbrella as if she wished to use it to smack the head of the rather disreputable looking man who was sneering at her while more ragged looking men were stomping through the quaint little cottage.

"This looks bad," Haru murmured with a frown.

"Toto?" Baron asked as he looked up at the magpie.

"If we burst in loudly we can take them by surprise."

"Right," Baron said with a determined nod. "On three: one, two, three!"

The quartet burst into the room, all yowling or squawking as loudly as they could. Surprisingly, that was all it took. The robbers seemed to think an entire army had just busted in on them and they all hightailed it out of there, one even going so far as to jump out of the (fortunately open) window.

"Well that was… easier than expected," Muta said once the cottage was cleared out.

"I've heard tell that criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot, but I never thought it was to that extent," Baron said as he looked around the room. Once his eye caught on the two women they had just rescued, he removed his hat and bowed to them. "Good evening, we hope you were not harmed."

"My, how polite," the granny in lavender said before she gave a pretty curtsy to Baron. "My name is Sephie, and this is Louise. We're quite grateful for your help."

"My name is Baron Humbert von Gikkingen, and these are my companions: Toto, Haru, and Muta." Each person nodded while being introduced, save Muta who only grunted.

"You all must be very hungry," Sephie said once introductions were over. "Would you like a bite to eat?"

"Would I ever," Muta said eagerly before running into the kitchen with Sephie following behind.

Louise, in the meanwhile, was looking around the trashed cottage. "Those rogues certainly did a number on our home."

"We would be happy to help you clean up, if you like," Baron offered.

"Thank you," Louise said with a smile.

* * *

After the cottage had been put back in order and everyone who ate had had their fill, the cottage owners had gone to their bed and the Bureau had settled down in various spot around the main room. Muta had settled down in front of the still warm oven, Haru had hopped onto a chair with a soft cushion, Toto had settled on the mantelpiece and changed to stone, and Baron had cuddled up next to Toto and relaxed like a puppet whose strings had just been cut. The lights were out and all was quiet in the quaint little cottage. Thus the sound of the door being jimmied open was louder than a gunshot and woke every occupant of the cottage.

Every eye was trained on the intruders as they snuck into the main room and spread out to start rifling around. Two walked into the kitchen carrying burlap sacks, they were the first to find the cottage's defenders hadn't left yet. They screamed and ran from the kitchen, Muta hot on their tails.

The rest looked up when the commotion started, Haru took that as her cue to leap at the nearest intruder with her claws out while Toto, still a statue, tipped over and fell on top of the intruder who had been looking over the knick knacks kept on the mantle.

"Attack!" Baron roared as he stood to his full height and pointed his cane at the intruders.

Louise burst from the bedroom with a rolling pin in hand, apparently she had decided to take some protection with her to bed.

With much tripping, screaming, scratching, and a few bonks upside the head, the intruders decided this cottage wasn't worth it. "Retreat!" one of them yelled, the others all obeyed and scrambled out the door.

"It seems they didn't learn their lesson the first time," Toto commented once the commotion had died down.

"They certainly learned it this time," Louise said confidently as she hoisted her rolling pin over her shoulder.

"Are they gone?" asked Sephie as she clutched a wooden spoon and peaked out into the main room.

"Yes, hopefully for good this time," Louise answered. "Perhaps we should invest in locks for the doors next time we're in town."

"I don't see why we should when we have such excellent guardians," Sephie said as she picked up Haru, who had been winding about her ankles.

"You'd really let me stay?" Haru asked as Sephie gently scratched between her ears.

"Of course, you've more than earned it after the night we've had."

"Eh," Muta said with a shrug, "the food here's pretty good. Might be worth sticking around for a little while."

"But, what about Bremen?" Baron asked in confusion.

Haru gave her own shrug, "Whether I retire here or to Bremen doesn't make much difference, and I like it here."

"I wouldn't mind taking a few years off from traveling around myself," Toto added. "You might like it too for a change of pace, all you've done since you were born is wander around with us. Think of it as a vacation."

"It would certainly be a new experience," Baron mused. "And if you'll have us, here is as good as anywhere for a vacation."

"Good, now that that's settled I'd like to go back to bed." Louise said as she turned towards the bedroom. "A lady needs her beauty sleep, after all."

And so Sephie and Louise, who were already seen as a pair of crazy old ladies for living out in the woods, became the local crazy cat ladies. And they all lived happily ever after, the end.

* * *

Done for headphonescinderella, who asked for the Bremen Town Musicians featuring the Bureau and Haru. Although the two can be read separately, this is meant to be a sequel to _Traveling Friends_ ; which is why this story is posted on its own rather than in the prompts collection or as another chapter to _Traveling Friends_. Rest assured, the next time Toto and Baron go visit Yuki and Lune they take Sephie and Louise with them.

This was a lot of fun to write, and it's nice to do a fairy tale that doesn't have a marriage at the end. Not that I didn't sneak in a couple ships anyway, there's something fun about having an old married couple or two in a story.


End file.
